Anxious Hearts
by xThisGirlIsOnFirex
Summary: New York seems like a great place to start a new life, right? This is Santana's story and her battle to overcome the fear of stepping out of her own home. When Kurt becomes her own therapist, secrets about a certain brunette come out. Pezberry romance!
1. Panic Attacks

Anxious Hearts

**Summary: New York seems like a great place to start a new life, right? This is Santana's story and her battle to overcome the fear of stepping out of her own home. When Kurt becomes her own therapist, secrets about a certain brunette come out. **

Chapter One: Panic Attacks

_"Chandler… In all my life… I never thought I would be so lucky. As to…fall in love with my best…my best… There's a reason why girls don't do this!"_

_"Okay! Okay! Okay! Oh God, I thought…Wait a minute, I-I can do this. I thought that it mattered what I said or where I said it. Then I realized the only thing that matters is that you, you make me happier than I ever thought I could be. And if you'll let me, I will spend the rest of my life trying to make you feel the same way. Monica, will you marry me?"_

_"Yes."_

_"I knew you were likely to take a wife!"_

"God, how many times have we seen this episode?" Santana groaned with the side of her head resting in the palm of her hands. She was sat in the armchair whilst Kurt and Rachel sat on the couch, all three of them watching an episode of 'Friends.' "I mean, I can literally recite it. I am not joking."

"Shut up Santana," Rachel hissed. "This episode really gets me emotional, it is so cute. I can't wait until Finn proposes to me."

"I didn't even think that you two were together anymore," Santana reminded the brunette, smirking smugly to herself. Kurt's eyes were still fixed on the TV but Rachel glanced towards the Latina.

"We're not," she spoke out quietly. "But well um...you know? There...There's still time, I guess."

"Sure," Santana mumbled, rubbing her forehead with her fingertips and sighing deeply. "When's dinner anyway? I'm starving and beginning to get incredibly bored with Friends."

"Now, that is what I don't get," Kurt said, holding his hands out dramatically. "How can you get bored of this show? Friends is a classic and I just can never get bored of it, it's hilarious."

"Me too," Rachel said, nodding in agreement but Santana just raised an eyebrow. "And dinner will be ready soon, I'll go and check on it now actually." She waited until the episode ended and the credits came up before leaving the couch and going into the kitchen to check on the dinner. "Okay, dinner is ready," she said proudly. "Who's hungry?"

"I'm starving," Kurt said and went to sit at the table but Santana just followed quietly, taking her seat. "Looking good Rach, I mean it doesn't look like something that could poison us."

"Wow Kurt," Rachel said sarcastically as she served them dinner and then served herself before sitting down. "I expected a comment like that from Santana but not from you, it must be rubbing off on you."

"Must be," Kurt chuckled. He and Rachel began eating their food but Santana just sat in complete silence, poking at her dinner with her fork but not exactly eating it. "Are you okay Santana?" Kurt asked, soon noticing that she had hardly touched the food placed in front of her. "You're not eating."

"Hmmm," Santana managed and took a small sip of her drink. "I'm not feeling too good."

"What's wrong?" Rachel asked.

"My chest just feels like...really tight," Santana confessed, rubbing at her chest with her hand and taking a deep breath. "Like I can't breathe."

"You don't have asthma, do you?" Rachel asked and Santana shook her head.

"Well, are you worrying about anything? Got something on tomorrow that you're worried about or anything?" Kurt asked. "Got anything on your mind?"

"I don't think so," Santana said. "I've only got work tomorrow."

"Well, have you got anything going on at work tomorrow that you're worried about?" Rachel asked, looking towards Santana with a serious expression on her face along with Kurt.

"No." Santana shook her head. "I don't think so. Well, the manager hasn't mentioned anything anyway and he can't just spring it on us, can he?"

"No," Kurt told her. "He can't San, he has to give you notice so that thought can be crossed out." Santana nodded and tried her best to eat her meal. When everyone had finished, Santana's plate still half full, they cleared up and Santana made her way into the living room.

"How are you feeling now?" Rachel asked, following her.

"My chest still feels really tight," Santana said. "It's really hard to breathe and stuff." She rubbed her chest again and sat herself down on the couch.

"Okay," Rachel calmed her, holding her hands up. "Just keep taking sips of water and try taking deep breaths to get your chest and breathing back to normal," she said and Santana nodded. Kurt walked in after finishing the dishes and took a seat on the couch beside Santana.

"Can I ask you a question?" He asked her and she nodded. "When I mention work, how do you feel?"

"Like right now?" Santana asked, coughing a little and Kurt nodded. "My...My breathing picks up and my heart feels as though it's like, beating really fast and I can't get it to stop. Why?"

"Just wondered." Kurt nodded. "How have you been feeling at work lately?"

"Like this," Santana confessed, gulping nervously and looking down at the floor. "Sometimes I...I've been sent home when it either gets really busy or if it gets really warm in there. If I can't calm down, they let me go early."

"Why didn't you tell us this?" Rachel asked, crossing her arms.

"Because it...it's nothing," Santana said. "I didn't want to bother any of you."

"I think it's something," Kurt said. "I'm no expert San but having a panic attack at work and then having little ones because you have to go in is something."

"Just leave it," Santana whined. "It'll be fine, please just leave it."

"Fine," Kurt sighed, raising his hands defensively. "We'll leave it. Why don't we all just head to bed? It's late, Rachel and I have NYADA early tomorrow and we've had a rough night. Are you okay though San?" Santana faintly nodded. "Sure?"

"Yeah," she said. "My chest doesn't feel too bad now, I'll just take a glass of water to bed with me and I'll be fine. Honestly."

* * *

Kurt and Rachel were the first ones up the next morning. Rachel had actually been up since five and had already left by six to squeeze in some extra practice in the dance studio before class so Kurt was the only one in the apartment when Santana walked out of her bedroom in her pyjamas that morning.

"Where's Rachel?" Santana asked, standing in the doorway of the bathroom with her arms crossed. She wasn't out of her pyjamas yet but her hair had been brushed.

"Already left," Kurt said as he stood in front of the bathroom mirror, combing his fringe. "How are you feeling today? Your chest any better this morning?"

"A little," Santana said and shrugged her shoulders. "Thanks for asking."

"That's good," Kurt said with a smile. "Let us know if it happens again." Santana nodded. "Okay, the bathroom is all yours now. You need to hurry though San, you should be and dressed and ready to leave in a minute."

"Oh, it's okay," Santana said. "I haven't got to go in until later, the boss called and said he has enough staff in to do stocktake so I'm not needed until later."

"Lucky you," Kurt scoffed. "You get to have a lazy morning then."

"Yeah I do." Santana nodded. "Lucky me, huh?"

"Yep," Kurt said, popping the p as he straightened his shirt collar. "Right then my lady, I am going and I will see you later okay? And if not, have a nice afternoon at work and we will see you tonight." Santana nodded. Kurt kissed her cheek and left, leaving Santana alone. Santana sighed and went to sit on the couch, fiddling on her cell phone.

"I can do this," she whispered, trying to distract herself. "I can go to work today, I'm going to be just fine." Santana started breathing heavily, holding her chest. She scrolled through her contacts and found the work number, dialling it straight away. "Hello," she said into the phone, running a hand through her hair. "I...I can't come in this afternoon I'm afraid. No, I...I don't feel too good, yeah, okay." Santana hung up the phone and ran straight to her room, climbing back into bed. "I'll just say that they sent me home because we weren't busy and they had enough staff," she said quietly. "They'll believe me." She buried her face into her pillow and clutched it with her hands, beginning to cry silently to herself.

It didn't take long for Kurt and Rachel to arrive back from NYADA. Kurt slipped his jacket off and Rachel threw her bag down, yawning after taking a two hour dance class.

"You should take a nap," Kurt laughed. "San!" He called out but got no answer. "She must be at work still then," Kurt said to Rachel. "I thought she might be."

"How did she seem this morning then?" Rachel asked. "I forgot to ask earlier."

"She seemed fine," Kurt said, shrugging his shoulders. "I asked her if she was okay and she said yeah. I'm just going to go and turn San's bedroom light off, seeing as she's left it on and is now wasting electricity." Rachel nodded as Kurt headed into Santana's bedroom. He then spotted Santana lying in bed. "San," he whispered and walked over. "San, wake up."

"What?" Santana wearily opened her eyes and glanced up at Kurt. "Oh hey, what are you doing back?"

"Hello to you too," he laughed. "And me and Rachel are both back, how comes you're not in work?"

"I went in earlier," Santana lied to him. "But it was dead so he sent a few people home and I was one of them, I had a slight headache so thought that I would just sleep it off."

"Feel better now?" He asked and she nodded. "Good. Now come on, Rachel's cooking again tonight." Santana nodded and took Kurt's hand as he helped her out of bed and led her into the kitchen. "Look who I found."

"Oh?" Rachel asked in shock as she turned round. "Hey San, thought you were at work."

"No." She shook her head. "We weren't that busy so he sent us home."

"Good, Kurt and I were just going to relax tonight," Rachel said. "Classes have killed me today. Dinner shouldn't be too long either." Kurt and Santana nodded and sat down at the table, waiting for dinner.

**Hope you enjoy the new New York story guys, haha :) **


	2. Talking

**Doodle91xxx: Haha I love Friends, I can never get bored of it. And same, thanks for your review :)**

**Maya: Thank you :)**

**Guest: Glad you think so :)**

**Charlie: I don't know honestly, I kind of suffer from anxiety myself so I felt that I needed to write a story about it :)**

**Kayleigh: Thank you and here is the next update :)**

**Guest: Haha thanks xD**

**Indianara: Well, here it is :)**

**As I mentioned in a reply above, I actually suffer from anxiety myself which is where I got the idea from. I worry about a lot of stuff and then have small panic attacks when I think about it or when it gets to it. Santana's case is more severe though and in this, she can't even leave the house.**

**Glad you like it so far and keep the reviews coming guys :)**

**Also, Santana isn't a cage dancer in this. She works at a bar instead :) **

Chapter Two: Talking

Rachel and Kurt both had a day off the next day but Santana had to go to work. It was half past ten and she walked out of her room dressed and in the middle of brushing her hair. Kurt quickly looked at his watch in shock.

"Don't you have work?" He asked her.

"Not today." She shook her head. "I have a day off as well," she lied to them. She'd called in sick again, after almost having another panic attack.

"Well, that's great," Rachel said. "Because Kurt and I were going to go shopping, do you want to come with us?" Santana looked hesitant but nodded at them. "Great, well as we're all ready now, how about we head out?"

"Sure," Santana whispered, taking a deep breath and subtly rubbing at her chest.

* * *

"What do these sunglasses look like on me?" Kurt asked, slipping on a dark pair of sunglasses and turning to show Santana and Rachel. "I look gooood." The two girls laughed but Santana wasn't feeling too well. "What's wrong San? You've been really quiet the whole time that we've been shopping."

"Yeah, even when we went to look at dresses and you usually love that," Rachel said to Santana with a small pout.

"Sorry," she apologised, shaking her head. "I just...it's nothing guys, just a small headache that's all."

"Sure?" Kurt asked, glancing towards Rachel and Santana faintly nodded. As they walked, Rachel could hear Santana breathing heavily behind her. She turned round and saw that she was looking really pale and had a hand on her chest.

"Kurt, problem," Rachel called to the boy, taking Santana's hand and sitting her down in the nearest chair.

"What's going on?" Kurt asked, coming back over.

"Head between your legs," Rachel encouraged, helping Santana. "She's having another panic attack, come on sweetie, just breathe deep sweetheart, breathe deep." Santana tried her best but tears were forming in her eyes and she was now hysterically crying. Luckily, they were outside and Kurt stuck his hand out for a cab to pull up.

"Come on, let's head home," Kurt said. "We can't have her like this in public." Rachel nodded and led Santana to the cab, getting in. Kurt gave them the address of their apartment and the three sat in the back seat, Rachel still attempting to calm Santana. "You okay San?" Kurt asked but she just shook her head, still crying and struggling to breathe. When they pulled up, Kurt paid the cab driver and the three of them hopped out and headed up to their apartment. "I think we need to talk about this," Kurt said once they were inside.

"What?" Rachel asked as she sat down with Santana. "Feeling a bit better now?" She asked and Santana faintly nodded her head.

"We can't have this Santana," Kurt sighed. "Every time you go out anywhere, you end up having a panic attack."

"It's not a panic attack," Santana sobbed, continuing to rub at her chest.

"It is Santana," Rachel said. "I used to get panic attacks all the time, I know what one looks like. Do you worry when you have to leave the house?" Santana began breathing heavily again, shaking her head. "Okay, okay, calm down, don't get yourself so worked up sweetie."

"Why don't we see about booking you a doctor's appointment?" Kurt suggested. "Just to get yourself looked at because this seems like anxiety Santana, you get panicky when you have to leave the house and you can't keep putting work off, can you?"

"I don't need to see a doctor," Santana cried, wiping the tears away from her eyes.

"We're just worried about you Santana," Rachel comforted, rubbing small circles up and down her back. "Come on honey, what do you say? Maybe it's not anxiety, maybe you're becoming asthmatic?"

"And if that's the case, you'll need to be seen to Santana," Kurt said. "Asthma attacks can be serious."

"Fine," Santana gave in. "Call the stupid doctor, can I have a drink please?" Kurt nodded and went to grab her a glass of water. He came back in with that and the phone and handed it over to her whilst dialling their local doctor's.

"Hello," he said when he'd finally got through. "Hey, my name is Kurt Hummel and I'm ringing on behalf of my friend. She's been getting these really bad panic attacks lately and it's usually when she has to like leave the house for either work or shopping and stuff like that. Yeah, her name's Santana Lopez and she's eighteen. Okay, yeah, yeah that should be fine. Thank you, thanks very much." He hung up the phone and scribbled something down on a piece of paper.

"Well?" Santana asked, sipping slowly at her drink.

"Tomorrow at eleven o'clock in the morning," Kurt said.

"That soon?" Santana asked, immediately beginning to panic again.

"Santana, calm," Rachel said. "Now come on, I have NYADA unfortunately but I'm sure Kurt will go with you. Won't you Kurt?"

"Yeah, course I will," Kurt said. "Honestly Santana, you don't need to worry but it is best if you just get yourself checked out, okay?" Santana faintly nodded. "Now, how about we get comfortable and watch a movie or something, yeah? Distract yourself a bit."

"I just want to go to bed," Santana whispered.

"Santana, a movie will be a good distraction," Rachel said. "Eh? Come on, what do you say?" Santana hesitated and nodded her head. "Good, what do you fancy watching? You can choose."

"Can we watch a Harry Potter film?" Santana asked with a small smile. "It's been ages since I've seen one."

"I think that'll be okay," Rachel said with a smile. "Feeling better now?"

"Yeah." She nodded. "Thank you."


	3. Doctor's Appointment

**Doodle91xxx: Same here, it's been horrible. And yeah, at least she has those two to help :)**

**Guest: Thank you :)**

**Guest: Glad you find it interesting :)**

**Indianara: Thanks so much :)**

Chapter Three: Doctor's Appointment

"I don't want to be here," Santana complained, walking into the waiting room and sitting down with Kurt, crossing her arms angrily across her chest. "Can't we just go home? Correction, I don't _need _to be here."

"Santana, we need to get this sorted sweetie," Kurt said. "It won't be a long wait anyway." As if on queue, Santana's name was called out. "There we go, it's always quick first thing in the morning. Come on." He took Santana's hand and led her into the doctor's room.

"Morning Santana Lopez," the woman greeted. "I am Doctor Willis, how are you feeling?"

"Well, I was fine," Santana sighed. "But then I remembered that I had to come here so my mood changed."

"No one likes the doctor's," Doctor Willis laughed. "Take a seat and we'll get started though. So, apparently you've been feeling really tight chested and having minor panic attacks," she said as Santana sat down opposite her and Kurt stood by the wall, waiting. Santana faintly nodded. "In what circumstances?"

"Mainly when I'm out," Santana confessed quietly.

"Okay, I'm going to ask you some questions," Doctor Willis said. "And I want you to answer them as honestly and as best as you can, alright?"

"I can do that." Santana nodded.

"Okay," Doctor Willis said. "So, are you worried or anxious about a lot of things?" She asked and Santana nodded her head. "Does worrying stop you from doing things you love?" Another nod. "How long has the worrying been going on?"

"Six months," Santana said, shrugging her shoulders. "Ish."

"Okay, can you remember when you started feeling like this?" Doctor Willis asked. "That might help."

"Some time after graduation," Santana said. "I was um...I was slightly nervous about college and leaving Lima and stuff, I guess."

"Okay," Doctor Willis wrote some stuff down in her notepad. "Do you find it difficult to control these panic attacks that you have?"

"Yeah," Santana said. "Kurt and Rachel usually have to help me."

"Okay, have you been feeling restless at all Santana?" She asked and Santana nodded. "Tired easily?" She nodded again. "Alright, why do you think that is exactly?"

"I haven't been sleeping too good at night," Santana admitted. "I keep waking up and all that."

"Been finding it hard to concentrate?" She asked. Santana nodded. "Feeling irritable?" She nodded again. "Are you taking any medication at the moment for anything at all, Santana?" Santana shook her head. "So, you don't have any medical problems?"

"No."

"What's your family like?"

"Good," Santana said. "My mom worries a lot, she did worry about me moving all the way to New York and..."

"That's what you worried about, right?" Doctor Willis questioned. "You worried about moving to New York, being away from your family, what else did you worry about?"

"Um...that I...I wouldn't find a job or wouldn't find out what I wanted to do with my life," Santana told her, shifting uncomfortably in her seat and breathing heavily.

"Are you feeling worried now?" Doctor Willis asked, sensing that.

"A bit," Santana managed to say. "I um...I don't like doctor's and...can we go home now?" She went to stand but Kurt stopped her.

"Stay," he said, sitting her back down. "Come on, you're doing well," he comforted and turned to the doctor. "Can I just add, she sometimes feels uncomfortable when she has to leave the house."

"You don't like leaving the house?" Doctor Willis asked.

"I want to leave," Santana hissed through gritted teeth. "Please," she begged.

"Santana, listen to me," Doctor Willis said. "I have had a lot of patients like you and it sounds like you do have quite a serious case of an anxiety disorder." Santana said nothing as Kurt sat and rubbed her back. "But it can be treated."

"It can?" Santana asked.

"Of course, with medication and counselling," Doctor Willis said. "I will prescribe you with some anxiety medication for you to take and I could also give you a list of local councillors if you'd like."

"That'd be great, thanks," Kurt said, smiling at the doctor. "Serious case, you say?"

"Well, there are different types of anxiety," Doctor Willis said. "In Santana's case, it's called Social Anxiety Disorder."

"Which means?" Santana asked nervously.

"It means that the person gets very afraid and nervous during social situations," Doctor Willis said. "And can cause you to avoid public situations like missing school and work and leaving the house in general. The symptoms are feeling nervous or easily upset in a social event and you may also feel yourself start to blush, sweat or feel shaky. Your heartbeat may beat faster than normal and you may have a hard time focusing on things." Santana nodded. "Yeah? Don't worry Santana, if you take this medication daily and look into talking someone about it, you can get better. I realise the counselling could be hard for you Santana in this particular situation but it doesn't hurt to try."

"Thank you doctor," Kurt thanked as Doctor Willis wrote out a prescription and handed it to Kurt. "Come on then San, let's head home now, yeah?" Santana nodded, thanked the doctor and shook hands with her before walking out with Kurt. "I'll pick this up later, let's just get home for now," he said and glanced towards Santana when he got no answer. "Hey," he whispered as they stopped walking for a second. "Come here, come on," he soothed and placed an arm round her shoulder. Santana began to cry against him and Kurt tightened his hold of her, beginning to rub her back. "Come on, it's going to be okay. I promise you that it won't be like this forever, you've just come to a rocky road right now but you will get past it and your life will be like it used to be."

"I'm scared," Santana sobbed. "I don't want this, I don't want to be feeling like this anymore and I don't want to be taking medication for the rest of my life. Why did this have to happen to me? I just want it to go."

"Hey San, look at me," Kurt said and Santana did. "Take a deep breath," he coached. "Because I can feel you working yourself up." Santana nodded, taking a deep breath. "You haven't got to be scared because me and Rachel are going to be there for you every step of the way, okay? I promise."

"Thank you," Santana thanked, wiping at her eyes.

"Come on, let's get you home, huh?" Kurt suggested. "It's been a big day for you so far." They arrived back at the apartment to see that Rachel was already back from NYADA. Rachel had forgotten that she returned home lunch time because she had a half day.

"How did it go?" Rachel asked, coming out of the kitchen. Santana just walked into her bedroom and shut the door though. "That bad, huh?" Rachel asked.

"The doctor said she has Social Anxiety Disorder," Kurt informed her. "It's a severe case and he's put her on medication and suggested counselling."

"Bless her," Rachel said sympathetically. "How did she take it?"

"She got upset when we came out of the doctor's," Kurt mentioned. "It'll just take some time for her to get used to it all." Santana soon came out of the bedroom after calming down and wiping her eyes.

"Come here San," Rachel said and Santana walked over to her. "You're not alone, sweetie," Rachel said, hugging her tightly. "We'll get through this together, I promise." Santana managed a faint nod. "How about we have a movie day for the rest of the day? We have loads of sugary goods in there that I think we can make ourselves sick on and just enjoy a peaceful day together."

"I'd like that." Santana nodded.

"Come on, you choose the movie and I'll go and get snacks." Rachel said. Santana agreed and went to their DVD collection, choosing Mamma Mia for them all to watch.

"Good choice." Kurt smiled at her and they all sat down, ready to enjoy the film.


	4. Therapy

**Doodle91xxx: Thank you, love talking to you :)**

**Indianara: Thanks :)**

**ValeriiFaberryFan: Thanks so much :)**

**Guest: They are, I love how supportive and caring they are :)**

Chapter Four: Therapy

"Do you want to lick the spoon?" Kurt questioned and handed the chocolate covered spoon over to Santana. She immediately took it from him and began licking the mix off of the end. Whilst Rachel was at NYADA, Kurt had stayed home with Santana and was making brownies with her. "So, are you enjoying Kurt day?"

"Kurt day?" Santana asked, raising an eyebrow in confusion.

"Yeah, your special day with Kurt," he said, speaking in third person.

"Well," Santana said, continuing to lick the spoon. "We're baking brownies and Santana likes her brownies so I'd say that it's pretty good so far. What's after brownie making?"

"Well, it will be eating the brownies and then getting you to your therapy session at three. Feeling okay?" He asked but Santana didn't say anything. "This woman is lovely, she was so nice and understanding when I spoke to her on the phone and her house isn't far from here at all so don't be scared, you could take her some brownies."

"Did I not say?" Santana said slowly, turning towards Kurt. "She cancelled, she rang earlier when you were in the shower."

"Nice try," Kurt laughed and shook his head. "You're going. You'll be fine, Rachel will be home by then so we will both go with you and we will support you, I promise."

"Do we have to save Rachel a brownie?" Santana asked. "And do I really have to take some to counselling?"

"Well, that was just a suggestion," Kurt said. "But we should certainly save one for Rachel, or she won't be too happy with us." Santana nodded and laughed as Kurt put the brownies in to cook. "Okay, so the woman said on the phone to take along a notepad and pen." Santana nodded faintly, sitting on the edge of the kitchen table and swinging her legs just as Rachel walked through the door.

"Hey." She smiled, hanging up her coat. "I managed to get out early, wanted to be here for San's first session." Santana then hopped down from the table and headed into her bedroom. "She okay?" Rachel asked.

"She just doesn't want to go," Kurt said. "She's been in a bad mood most of the day but I managed to get her to take her medication which is good."

"She'll be fine once she's there," Rachel told him and he nodded, knowing that she was right. Santana then came out of her room with a notepad and a pen, putting on a fake smile and sitting down on the couch. "Been baking?" Rachel asked.

"Brownies," Kurt said. "They'll be done soon and you might be allowed to have one if you are especially nice to me and San, right San?" Santana looked over with a small smile and just faintly nodded. "Come on sweetie, cheer up. You'll be fine."

"I guess," Santana whispered and sighed deeply, resting her head against the back of the couch.

* * *

"Those were good brownies," Rachel said as she sat in the backseat of the car. Kurt was driving whilst Santana sat in complete silence in the passenger seat. "Good baking there guys."

"It was all Santana," Kurt said, turning right. Santana whimpered a little and just rested her head on her hand, staring out of the window. "What number does it say on the address, Rach?"

"Um...22," Rachel said, glancing at the paper that she held in her hand. "Should be just down this street."

"Got it," Kurt said and found the house, pulling up outside. "Looks nice." Santana faintly nodded her head, rubbing at her chest. "Sweetie, please calm yourself down."

"I can't do it," she managed. "Please, please, turn the car around."

"Santana, you can do this," Rachel encouraged. "Honestly." Santana began crying and shaking her head, struggling to breathe. "Santana, you can do it," Rachel repeated. "I promise, Kurt and I will come in with you."

"But um...can...can I go home if...if I can't do it?" Santana stuttered out.

"Course you can, just take baby steps," Kurt said. "One small step at a time."

"What's the first step?" Santana questioned, gulping nervously.

"Getting out of the car," Rachel said. She climbed out of the back seat and went round the front, opening the door on Santana's side. "Slowly, just take your time, okay?" Santana took Rachel's hand and stepped out of the car, squinting as the sunlight hit her eyes. "There we go." Kurt then got out and handed the box to Santana. She carried that and her notepad and pen up to the front door, Rachel staying by her side. Kurt knocked and the three of them waited patiently. The door opened and a blonde woman greeted them with a smile.

"You must be Santana," she said, holding out her hand. "I'm Sarah, do come in. Are your friends staying?" Santana faintly nodded, unable to speak. "It's okay to be nervous, don't worry," Sarah said, allowing them to walk inside. "Why don't we go through to the living room then?"

"Um..." Santana couldn't speak but Kurt gave her arm a gentle nudge. "I um...I...I made these brownies," she stuttered and handed her the box. "You can have one."

"Why thank you," Sarah thanked her. "Would you like a drink?"

"Water, please," she whispered, fiddling with her hands.

"Okay, you take a seat and I'll be in soon," Sarah said and Santana slowly walked through to the living room with Kurt and Rachel.

"You okay?" Kurt asked, sitting on the couch with Santana and stroking her hair. Santana nodded as Rachel took a seat on the other side of her. "You've done well to get here, you know?"

"I feel sick," Santana said quietly as Sarah came back and handed her the glass of water.

"I see you've come prepared," Sarah said, looking at the notepad and sitting back in her chair. "So, today Santana I would just like us to introduce ourselves and for you to tell me why you have come to see me today." Santana shrugged her shoulders, not saying anything. "Take your time, there's really no rush."

"Why are you here today?" Kurt whispered in Santana's ear, trying to help her out a little bit. "Come on Santana, talk." Santana shook her head.

"Santana," Sarah said. "This isn't going to be a session today, what I want to do is get to know you more. I want you to be more comfortable around me so that you can talk to me whenever you want to, any information that is given here will not be discussed anywhere else, okay? So, how about we try something else? Would that be better for you?" Santana nodded. "Okay, so what is your full name and age? Do you go to college or have a job? Any hobbies?"

"Come on sweetie," Kurt encouraged and nodded at Santana. "Please talk, she's going to help you."

"I'm harmless Santana," Sarah joked. "I promise."

"Don't you know my name and age anyway?" Santana spoke for the first time in ages.

"Nope." Sarah shook her head. "So, why don't you tell me?"

"Santana Lopez," Santana introduced herself. "I'm eighteen and I work at a bar." She stopped talking and looked to Kurt.

"Carry on," he whispered.

"I um...I like watching movies," Santana continued. "Shopping, hanging out, just um...just the usual."

"Thank you for telling me all of that," Sarah said. "I like doing all those things myself, I worked in a bar when I was your age as well. I didn't know what I wanted to do as a job so I did that for a bit."

"That's like me," Santana mentioned quietly.

"So, are you a little more comfortable around me now?" Sarah asked and Santana nodded. "Want to tell me why you're here now?"

"I um...I get panicky with the thought of stepping outside to work or to anything, even the mall. My heart races and I get sweaty and can't breathe. Kurt and Rachel have to drag me out if we need to go anywhere and they have to stay with me, they kinda had to drag me here today."

"Thank you," Sarah thanked her. "Well, I am going to help you and by the time I am finished, you will be going back to work and going back outside on your own, okay? I'll help you."

"Yeah." Santana nodded and hung her head. "Okay."


	5. Hard Work

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Chapter Five: Hard Work

It didn't take long for Kurt to start becoming incredibly annoyed with Rachel. It was like she was turning back into Lima Rachel, full of herself, self absorbed and thinking that she was better than everyone. Kurt woke up one morning not to his alarm clock but to Rachel singing loudly in the living room to herself. He rubbed his eyes and walked past her and into the kitchen to make himself a cup of tea.

"Hey you're awake! Whilst you're in there, can you do me some tea with a little honey and lemon?" Rachel asked. "Because as you know, it is really good for my throat."

"Sure!" Kurt yelled, slamming down the kettle. "I'll just run down to the store to get you some."

"I'll take that as a no," Rachel scoffed, walking over with her hands on her hips. "An incredibly rude no that deserves an explanation."

"Okay Rachel, truth time," Kurt said. "You have been a nightmare this past week."

"I knew it." Rachel smirked. "It was only a matter of time before you became jealous of all of my success, and just when we getting inseparable."

"We became close because you became tolerable," Kurt shouted at her. "But now...now you're like an annoying, self absorbed Lima Rachel on steroids. I mean, asking me to take a message when your cell rang because you were saving your voice. No Rachel, just no! I don't have time for your attitude, alright? Especially with how San has been lately; her anxiety is getting worst, she's become depressed and she literally cried in my arms for four whole hours last night so I barely got any sleep."

"Oh god," Rachel groaned. "Santana this, Santana that, is she all you care about right now Kurt?"

"Are you actually being serious right now?" Kurt said. "Are you really doing the jealous thing, Rachel? Do you know how pathetic you are being? Of course San is all I care about right now because if you haven't noticed, she is the person with something the matter with her and I'm more concerned for her right now!"

"You can't do anything else for her, Kurt," Rachel said. "If she isn't willing to help herself, you can't help her either."

"Can you actually here yourself right now?" Kurt asked, shaking his head. "She is our friend and she needs us there at the moment. I can't believe you, where is the Rachel we have been seeing for the past few months? Where's she gone? Because I know that she wouldn't treat us like this."

"I need to take care of my vocals," Rachel said. "My vocals are important and all this talking and arguing isn't doing them any good."

"Do you know what?" Kurt asked, pursing his lips together and shaking his head once more at her. "You're on your own until you start caring, Rachel. I'm not going to care for you, do you understand that? Get this into your head, Santana is my main focus right now because I will get her better, even if it takes me years. I'm going to get her back to the Santana we know and love, with your help or not."

"What's all this arguing?" Santana asked, walking into the kitchen.

"Nothing you need to worry about," Kurt told her. "Rachel was just having a moment, that's all."

"Everything okay?" Santana asked and Kurt nodded, taking her through to the living room. Rachel just grabbed her jacket and stormed out of the apartment to go to NYADA.

* * *

Rachel didn't want to go home that day. When NYADA was finished, she went shopping in New York and then sat in an old coffee shop on her own. It wasn't until half past eleven at night when she arrived home. She slowly shut the door and heard whispering and soft crying coming from Santana's room. Standing outside and pressing her ear against the door, she heard Santana crying and Kurt whispering to her.

"It's alright," he was saying. "It's going to be okay, come on sweetie, stop crying for me, it's going to be okay, come on."

Rachel slowly opened the door and peered inside to see Kurt lying on Santana's bed with Santana resting her head on his legs, crying. He was just stroking her hair comfortingly. She sighed deeply to herself and shut the door, heading into her own bedroom across the way. She changed into her pyjamas, brushed her teeth and climbed into bed, crying to herself.

"Why are you crying?" She asked herself. "It's all your fault, you shouldn't care so much about yourself. People may like you then." Rachel curled up into a ball and continued to cry. She soon wiped away her tears, got out of bed and made her way into Kurt and Santana. She walked over in silence and laid on the bed next to Kurt. "I'm so sorry," she apologised. "I know that I have been acting like a complete and utter diva lately and I did not mean it Kurt. I'm sorry, to you as well San. I should have been there instead of worrying about me, I was being selfish and self centred and I shouldn't have been acting that way. I promise that I will be there for you more."

"Thanks Rae," Santana thanked her quietly, looking up at Rachel. "Come here." Rachel smiled and leant across Kurt, hugging Santana.

"What if this happens again though, huh?" Kurt asked Rachel. "We know that you care Rach because if you didn't, you wouldn't be here right now but I cannot cope with another diva moment from you."

"I promise that I will try my hardest, okay?" Rachel asked. "But if it does happen, then I hope one of you guys will tell me to knock it off. I really don't want another argument like we did earlier."

"I don't want another one either," Kurt said. "It was horrible, come here Rach," he said and hugged her. "Okay, let's get some sleep now because it is really late." Both girls nodded, cuddling either side of Kurt. Santana was soon asleep and Kurt decided to question Rachel. "So, what was really going on with you?" He asked her.

"I don't know." Rachel shrugged her shoulders. "I'm just finding it really hard to cope with Santana's anxiety."

"I'm not quite sure I get what you mean," Kurt said. "Care to explain?"

"I know that this isn't any of San's fault," Rachel said, taking a deep breath. "She can't help this and I get that, I really do but you have to understand Kurt that we were sort of thrown into the deep end with all of this. I have never had to handle something like this before and to be honest, it scares the hell out of me. I know nothing about anxiety and the effects that it has on the person. I wouldn't know how to calm San down if she had a panic attack, I don't know anything which is why I have been distancing myself away from her and going back into diva mode because I know that if I am there, you guys wouldn't want me around you but then it went and backfired because that isn't what I wanted, the argument I mean."

"Rachel, why didn't you come to me?" Kurt asked. "I know nothing about this stuff either, I sort of just went with it and done what I think was the right thing to do and so far, it seems to be working. You don't have to know about this stuff but if you really want to, grab some leaflets and get learning but honestly, it's nothing. Just be there to comfort her is the best thing right now and trying to help her break out of this, you have nothing to be scared of though. I promise you, we'll all be okay."

"So, you're not mad with what I said?" Rachel asked.

"Of course not." Kurt shook his head. "You're being honestly but really Rach, just go with it, okay? You'll know what to do, you haven't got to be scared or anything like that."

"Thanks for that," Rachel thanked him. "I guess I just needed some reassurance."

"Just remember, this is a lot harder for San than it is for you," Kurt told her. "Alright?" Rachel faintly nodded her head. "Now, let's put all of this behind us and get some sleep, okay?"

"Yeah." Rachel smiled and gave him one last hug. "Thank you."

**Rachel/Santana moments to come in the next chapter, guys :) hope you like. **


	6. A New Hobby

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Chapter Six: A New Hobby

Kurt walked out of the kitchen and saw Santana sitting on the couch scribbling stuff down in a notebook. He stood behind her, watching for a few seconds. Santana seemed so involved in what she was doing, she didn't even notice him.

"What are you doing?" He finally spoke, causing the Latina to jump a little bit in her seat. "Sorry," he apologised. "I didn't mean to make you jump, what are you doing?"

"Nothing," Santana lied. Kurt knew that she was lying because she fidgeted awkwardly and it was pretty obvious that she was doing something.

"You are doing something," Kurt said, going to take a seat behind her. "What are you doing?"

"Nothing," Santana repeated, trying to hide what she had written on the notebook. Kurt put his head on one side like some kind of dog and took a glance at her. "Promise me that you won't tell anyone?" She begged.

"I promise." He nodded. "Now, what are you doing?"

"I'm writing a novel," Santana told her and Kurt looked at her, wide eyed. "I knew you'd be shocked, it's a stupid idea, isn't it? I knew I shouldn't have..."

"San," Kurt cut her off and placed a hand on her shoulder. "Yes, I am shocked but only because you have never done this before. I think that it's a great idea. I mean, you're spending loads of time at home at the moment so it's a good thing that you're doing this. What made you want to do that?"

"I dunno." Santana shrugged her shoulders. "I just found this old notebook in a drawer when I was tidying. I was bored, okay?" She laughed. "So, I tidied the apartment and I found this notebook and I just started writing."

"That's great San." Kurt smiled. "So, is it an actual novel or a short story or what?"

"I'm going to try and make it a novel," Santana said. "I'm writing in first person and I'm just going to see how it goes. If I enjoy it and it goes well, I'll carry on and try and finish it."

"Well, good for you, sweetie," Kurt said. "Now, can I talk to you about something?"

"Sure," Santana said. "What's on your mind?"

"You seem to have been taking the therapy really hard," Kurt said. "Because of course, you've been having to leave the house and for the last few sessions, we have had to cancel because you're so terrified of walking out of that door."

'I know," Santana whispered and sighed deeply. "I can't help it."

"I know, I'm not saying that you can," Kurt said. "But, how would you feel about having sessions with me?"

"You?" Santana scoffed. "You are offering to be my therapist. Why? Besides, you don't even have any qualifications."

"I know," Kurt said. "But I spoke to Sarah and she said that it could be good for you if you have therapy in the comfort of your own home but with someone who you know. You don't have to say yes but Sarah thought that it could be good before you have the courage to leave the house, alright?"

"I guess," Santana said softly, looking down at her notebook. "How long for?"

"Well, the sessions would be an hour," Kurt said. "But for as long as you need. Weeks, months, as long as you need."

"So, once a week?" Kurt nodded. "So, I have to sit and talk to you for a whole hour about how I fricking feel?" She yelled. "Fine," she added. "I'll do it."

"You will?" Kurt asked and Santana nodded. "I'll be like any normal therapist, alright? I'll keep it totally confidential and I won't force you to talk about anything that you don't want to."

"Sounds good," Santana said. "Can I get back to my writing now though?"

"Course you can, how about we start tomorrow? Will that be alright?" Santana nodded. "Alright, Rachel's going to be home late so I'm going to start cooking dinner." Kurt gave her shoulder a comforting rub and headed into the kitchen to cook the dinner. He was pleased that Santana had agreed to the offer. Halfway through cooking, Santana walked into the kitchen. "Finished the novel already?" He joked.

"No, I finished chapter one," Santana told him and sat down at the table. "I'm taking a break now."

"That sounds good. So, am I allowed to know what the novel is about?" He asked, sitting opposite her.

"It's sort of a romance and drama," Santana said. "And it's kind of about this girl who has a severe anxiety disorder."

"Life story, huh?" Kurt guessed and Santana nodded her head faintly. "That's a really good idea Santana. I'm proud of you and you can tell me more about this novel in our therapy session tomorrow."

"Yeah," Santana whispered. There was something that she was dying to mention in the therapy session tomorrow but she was scared. She wasn't sure if she could tell him everything, including her feelings for a certain someone.


	7. Feelings

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Chapter Seven: Feelings

Santana was lying on the couch, scribbling away in her notebook. Her hair was brushed and she had no make-up on and instead of wearing clothes, she wore a cute teddy bear onesie that Brittany had bought her for Christmas. It wasn't the sort of thing that she wore but it was cosy for a lazy day and it reminded her of Brittany. The hood even had ears.

"Okay, it's one o'clock," Kurt said, walking into the room. "We've eaten and I've done chores so let's get this session done then, shall we?" Santana groaned, slamming her notebook against her forehead. "You hadn't forgotten, had you?" He laughed.

"I just don't want to do it," Santana complained.

"Why?" Kurt asked.

"Because it's embarrassing and boring and I hate talking about my feelings," Santana muttered under her breath, sitting up a little.

"Why?" Kurt repeated his earlier question.

"Because I feel like people judge me," Santana admitted quietly.

"Guess what?" Kurt whispered in her ear, leaning over the back of the couch. "You're talking to me about how you feel so technically, we've already started the session."

"That's not fair," Santana whined, hitting him playfully on the arm. "You fucking tricked me!"

"Alright, enough with the swearing," he scolded and came to take a seat on the couch next to her. "Come on, one hour and that will go by really quickly. I'm just going to start off with general, informal questions first just like a professional would, alright?" Santana faintly nodded, closing her notebook up. "Loving the onesie by the way," he laughed.

"Brittany got it for me," Santana whispered.

"Why are you so quiet?" Kurt asked, edging closer to her. "I can barely hear you sweetie, you're never this quiet."

"I'm just really nervous," Santana said. "I'm not used to doing something like this and I guess I'm scared too, I guess."

"Oh San," Kurt said. "I don't want it to be like that for you, I don't want you feeling that way." Santana just shrugged her shoulders. "I thought that this would be easier for you but if you want to talk to someone else, you can. If you don't feel comfortable talking to me, we don't have to do this. I just thought that it would help because you know me and it would be better for you this way."

"I do want this." Santana nodded her head. "I'm just really nervous, just please don't push me to say anything."

"Santana, it's no rush," Kurt told her. "You can have all the time you need, okay? I promise and if you aren't comfortable with anything, just let me know. This is about you and you only, so is that okay?" Santana nodded. "Okay, let's get started then and I am going to be like a professional." Santana faintly nodded, remaining silent. "So, why are you here today?" Santana looked to him, beginning to fiddle with her hands.

"I get anxious," she admitted nervously. "I'm afraid to go outside. If I do, I work myself up and have trouble breathing and have a panic attack and someone has to talk to me."

"How do you feel when this is happening to you?" Kurt asked as he began to write down notes.

"Scared," Santana said, shrugging her shoulders. "I feel alone, emotional, embarrassed for needing help and it...it just isn't who I am."

"What do you mean?" Kurt questioned. "It isn't who you are?"

"I was a different person in high school," Santana said. "I was happy, at the top, I knew who I was, I knew what I wanted and then it all went wrong." She sniffed and wiped at her eyes. "I don't know why, I just want to be that girl again."

"Oh San," Kurt said sympathetically. "You won't ever be that girl again because you are going to be someone who is so much stronger than this girl sitting here and that girl back in high school, I promise. You're going to be so much better, believe me. Do you believe me?"

"Not right now," Santana sighed. "I want to, I can't though. I want to stop, I...I can't do this anymore."

"Okay, we can stop," Kurt agreed. "You've done great so far, I am so proud of you. Is there anything else that you want to talk about though?" Kurt asked. "Not anxiety related, just anything that you want to get off your chest."

"Well..." Santana stuttered. "Th...There is...o...one thing."

"Oh yeah? What's that?"

"I um...I kind of like this girl, a girl who isn't Brittany," she managed to say out loud.

"Oooo, do I know this person?" Santana nodded. "Well, who is it? Are you going to tell me?"

"It's..." Santana hesitated, scared to say the name. "It's Rachel."


	8. Scared

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**Sorry that it has taken ages to update this story guys. I've had a work, uni work, driving lessons and to be honest, total writer's block on all the stories that needed to be updated but I am back and I will try to update Let It Be and Stronger soon as well :)**

Chapter Eight: Scared

"You love Rachel?" Kurt asked, in complete shock and Santana faintly nodded her head. She soon regretted saying that. "Since...Since when?" Santana shrugged her shoulders, suddenly going quiet. "I...I don't mean to upset you or anything here but you know that Rachel is straight, right?"

"I know," Santana whispered and nodded once again. "Which is why it is never going to work out."

"Honey," Kurt said sympathetically. "I know that it is hard but well...I think personally that you should still tell Rachel how you feel. I mean, I know what it is like to have a crush on someone who is straight and not gay."

"You do?" Santana asked.

"Yeah," he sighed deeply. "Back when we were younger, I used to love Finn and this was before my dad married his mom for your information."

"What did you do about it?"

"There was nothing that I could do," he said. "He was straight, he loved Rachel and he soon became my step brother so it would have turned out to be kind of like incest anyway. He knew though and someway I...I thought that it was better."

"But didn't he treat you any differently?" Santana asked.

"He did, yes," Kurt laughed and nodded. "He was actually kind of scared to be around me, he didn't even want to sing a ballad with me because he couldn't do it with a guy. I soon got over my crush on Finn though and maybe you will soon get over your crush on Rachel."

"Do you think I will?"

"I don't know," he said. "I did say maybe. It might happen, it might not but you really should tell her. You never know San, you may meet someone one day who is gay and loves you back. I met Blaine, didn't I? After I met him, I soon forgot about my crush on Finn."

"But, what if I never meet someone?" Santana asked. "Most people out there are straight, Kurt."

"I know it's hard," he reassured her. "But there are other lesbians and bi-sexuals out there Santana. You are beautiful and you have a wonderful personality so I know that one day you will meet someone. You're still young, you have plenty of time."

"Yeah," Santana whispered. "You're actually a really good therapist, Kurt. You give good advice."

"You're my friend," Kurt told her. "I want to give good advice and make sure that you're happy. Do you think that you're going to tell Rachel how you feel?"

"I'm scared," Santana admitted to him. "She'll treat me differently, she'll freak out and she won't want to be friends anymore."

"Rachel is not like that," Kurt said. "Trust me, I know. I have been friends with her longer than you have Santana and I know that she will not freak out on you and I know that she will still want to be your friend."

"I will tell her," Santana promised. "Just not yet."

As if on queue, the door suddenly slammed open and Rachel walked in. Santana jumped and quickly held her chest but Kurt just rubbed her arm comfortingly and shot her a small smile.

"Is everything okay?" Rachel asked them.

"Therapy," Kurt mentioned to her.

"Sorry," she apologised and bit her lip. "Did I walk in at the wrong time? You know what, I am going to take a shower so just forget that I am not here and..."

"Actually Rach, we're about done," Kurt laughed. "Don't worry, Santana wanted to stop a while ago so now we were just general chatting and stuff."

"Oh, so how did it go?" She asked.

"Good," Santana whispered shyly. "Thanks for asking."

"Well, I like to know how you got on," Rachel said and kissed her head. "Well done, we're proud of you." Santana smiled, blushing bright red and rubbed at her neck. "Right, I really do need a shower though because my dance class was so incredibly hot and sweaty and I probably smell." She draped her coat over one of the chairs and headed into the bathroom, shutting the door behind her.

"You're blushing," Kurt laughed.

"Shut up," Santana hissed and slapped him on the arm.

"No, it's cute," Kurt said. "Bless you. So, shall we leave it there then?"

"Please," Santana begged and Kurt nodded. "I might write some more of my novel."

"You'll have finished that soon," Kurt said. "You seem to be working loads on it."

"It keeps me happy," Santana sighed, grabbing her notebook. "It's the only thing that does at the moment."


End file.
